Those SpongeBob popsicles are so fucked up man. The demographic has very little income, so you buy one of those motherfuckers with maybe your last couple of dollars. You open up the little bag, and boom! It’s SpongeBob!! Even in effigy, even with one of the eyes in the wrong place, it’s him! And his brilliance is magnified in person. It’s a magical experience, holding the spungboy in your hand. You cherish him, hold him up to the sun, and you’re so taken by this rush of adrenaline in the first few moments of being united with him, you forget why he’s here. They want you to eat him. They made you pay to kill fucking SpongeBob. Most folks at this point are thinking “wow, that’s fucked up, but I don’t need to kill him, I can just keep him and cherish him indefinitely” WROGN!!!! They made him out of fucking ice!!! This form is a very short breath of life before one way or another, Sponebog ends up a little mound of sticky liquid. Now you are faced with the disgusting moral dilemma: if the spoinbop dies either way, is it better for you to kill him, at least getting some joy out of his death via tasty popsicle, or is it more humane to let him live as long as he can? Well, with all factors considered, most folks come to the conclusion l: “spognog’s extended living would not be truly "life”. He will spend most of this cruel existence as a dripping husk of the sponge he once was. Surely it would be better to put him out of his misery and enjoy a sweet treat.“. But once you actually start licking him, you realize how fucked up what you’re doing is. It’s very different thinking about it happening as opposed to actually doing it. It’s like punching a puppy to death. Some folks are made of tougher stuff than you or I, and overcame their squeamishness to give spingburt the warrior’s death he deserved. But I’m not built like that. I couldn’t bring myself to go through with any of the options, so I sprinted home, crying, and stuffed the frozen sponge into my freezer, where he remains indefinitely. Everytime I go to get an ice cube, It’s like seeing a holocaust survivor, and I start to tear up knowing what his friends are going through every day. I fucking payed for this to happen. And everytime I go outside and hear an ice cream truck, I steel myself and buy every sponge they have in stock, to save them. I payed real fucking money to be brought to tears, and for all my goddamn freezer space to be taken up by crude recreations of a yellow rectangle. Everytime this happens, I find myself thinking "surely this is a horrible mistake. Surely a thinking, empathizing human would do everything they can to keep somebody out of my situation”, but then I remember that this whole fucking set of events is carefully engineered by the capitalist machine to squeeze out every possible drop of profit, no matter the cost. They made spongepops on purpose. The world we live in is so fucked up.
I almost asked myself how the hell it took me so long to finish TOTK before remembering the time I got sidetracked for well over an hour putting dead fish where they shouldn’t be and photographing them, which is one of the many unhinged things this game just lets you do
